The ones who never got a vote
After 153 days of reserve duty, I’ve written about coming home and about the miluim wife who lives in two worlds. This post is about the people in our homes who never got a vote: the kids.
Every Pesach we read about four children, each hearing the same story in a different way. Three years of call-ups have given our homes four children of their own.
Four children, four costs
The baby. A newborn or infant when the call-up came, now walking and talking. His father missed the first step and the first “Abba,” and when he finally comes home, the toddler hides behind his mother’s legs. To him, Dad is a stranger.
The young child. Old enough to know who is missing, young enough to need him every day. This child needs the most help and gets a single-parent home instead. He tests his mother on everything, and the hardest moment comes every time Dad picks up his bag and heads back to base.
The teenager. The bar mitzvah trip with Abba got postponed until it disappeared. Dad missed ceremonies, games and the nights a teenager needs a ride home. Teenagers shrug and say it’s fine, then quietly learn to run their lives without him.
The new soldier. In high school when the war began, wearing a uniform of his own now. Some of these kids want to be just like Dad. Others are angry at the army that kept taking him. Sometimes father and son serve at the same time, and Mom waits for two messages instead of one.
One house, one parent, then two
All four children grow up in the same kind of home during these years: a single-parent house. Their mother fights on every front at once, and eventually she runs out of strength for the small battles. Screen limits slide. Bedtimes drift. She gives in because she simply can’t fight anymore, and nobody who carried that load would blame her.
The kids feel the stress, even when nobody names it. So they spend their evenings at friends’ houses, where dinner is calm and both parents are home. Some push limits to see if anyone pushes back. Some rebel.
Then Dad comes home, and the family has to learn to have two parents again. He brings back rules the house dropped years ago: dinner together, phones off at the table, knowing where everyone is going. To the kids, it can feel like a stranger rewriting the rules of a house that ran fine without him. Undoing three years of habits takes time, a united front from both parents, and a lot of patience.
Six ways to help miluim kids
- Be a father figure for an afternoon. If a neighbor’s husband is on reserve duty, take her young child along to the game, the park or shul with your own kids.
- Give Mom a break. Offer to take the little ones for a few hours so she can rest, run errands or just sit in silence.
- Teachers and coaches, know who they are. Find out which kids have a parent serving, and give them extra patience when they push limits.
- Keep inviting the teenager. Include the teen whose house has gone quiet, and gently check in on the one who’s at your place every single night.
- Remember the new soldiers. A care package or a message to a kid who just enlisted, especially one whose parent is also serving, means a lot.
- Give families room when Dad comes home. Reintegration takes months. Patience from friends, schools and employers helps everyone adjust.
How Smiles for the Kids helps
Smiles for the Kids has supported Israeli soldiers and their families since before October 7, and since the war began we have delivered more than $2 million in support to soldiers, their families, displaced families and communities across Israel. Our 2027 reintegration campaign helps reservists, their spouses and their children reconnect after service.
The Haggadah tells us to answer each child according to what that child needs. Our homes need that same wisdom right now, from all of us.
Support our 2027 reintegration campaign. To learn more, or to share feedback, email aron@smilesforthekids.com or visit smilesforthekids.com.